hoarding, archeology, and my father

I loved my father, he is gone now. He would give you the shirt off his back. Brilliant and troubled, he was a hoarder. My inheritance was the things he taught me, the love he gave me. Here are some of the poems  I wrote about hoarding. I studied this from close up, the psychology world wasnt into talking about it then and there were no tv shows.  When we moved once in East Orange, we had the big moving van for our family stuff and another one for the books. I am still mining the hidden treasures found in his apartment. And yes I too am a collector, I believe it is genetic. I try to keep some order though.

fatherly love, junkshop blues

lost in a million jillion pieces of junk
your ambition  your drive
your clarity
my father
if only
you could have kept yourself
I wouldnt feel guilty
about not calling you
because I feel even worse
when I do
6/11/94

these written in trying to clean out, sort, and close his apartment and storage unit

archeology 1

doing battle with
dirt disorder
lies anger
hurt pain and mess
years of traveling with blinders
your love for others but not self
I work for order
and manageability
I let myself feel
the pain hurt anger love
all the mixture
the present and the past
all mixed into piles
and piles
and piles
and feeling
I let myself forgive
I let myself return
11/14/90

archeology 2 / messy apartment blues

letting go of the past
will open up new doors
I kneel in the filth
with prayer in my heart
fighting the mess
with hands and heart
I search for the trails
of our love
and our childhood
I do not fight off
the bad memories
I feel them
and forgive
and start on
another pile
11/15/90

archeology 3

sitting on the dirty floor
and sorting through
the things we left behind
searching for our childhoods
amongst the debris
and the fullness
of too many words
I long for home
and fresh green places
I dont know
there's never enough
to give to him
on any level
and all this stuff
is way too much
and our hearts
and our minds
must be satisfied
now we walk away
the task is done
it's enough
and I want to
go home
11/16/90